made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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