I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
