we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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