The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
