Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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