I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
