I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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