I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
