when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
