What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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