My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
