True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
And then my night got REAL pukey
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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