The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
