Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
