every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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