I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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