He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
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One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
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And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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