dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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