also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
