Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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