my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
either way he was missing a nipple.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
