I think i sorta joined a cult last night
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
