I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
she smelled like a LAN party
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
