i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
