i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
