All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
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