Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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