awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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