Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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