You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
