forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
