It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
