I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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