I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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