So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
