I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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