My sheets look like a crime scene.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
you inspire me to be a worse person
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Randomize
