I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I am one with the molecules
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Randomize
