i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
