Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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