i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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