This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
In America we eat man semen.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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