Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
