If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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