i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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