I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
