I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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