new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The beers last night were like the tears from god
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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