Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
