Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
