I want to stick my p in your. b.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Randomize
