so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
