Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
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Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
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This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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