You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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