last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
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Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
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So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer