dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
