apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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