Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
