I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
