I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
