In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
